AN ADVENTURE: IN WHICH I BATHE WITH HIPPIES ON A CLIFFSIDE

After taking a deep dive into my motivations last week and realizing that my primary eating habits right now are hedonic, I set out to find new (food-free) ways of having more fun! When I was at work last week, I was telling my colleagues how much I like "Refuge"-- the outdoor aquatherapy center in Carmel Valley.

Some of you may remember this photo of "Refuge"-- I believe it was my most liked photo on facebook. Ever.

One of my teammates built on this and said that she really loved "Esalen" in Big Sur. My entire team is pretty... free spirited... (after all, I hired them) and this particular teammate is the freest of them all. I had to know everything. We didn't have a lot of time, but she mentioned hot springs, cliffside, and hippies and I didn't need any more prompting than that. I immediately looked up Esalen and saw that inflation had reached everywhere.... even hippie paradise. To book a sleeping bag in a shared room was over $100 a night. No good. BUT there was also a volunteer link! This link showed that there were four ways to volunteer at Esalen (working in the kitchen, cleaning huts/yurts, gardening for their shared meals, or cleaning the hot spring pools). The opportunities were booked out two months in advance in all areas. Except one. There was one kitchen help spot available for the coming weekend. Score. In signing up, I agreed to spend 3 hours doing dishes in exchange for 9 hours free reign on the grounds to enjoy workshops, the hot springs, the art hut, the bookstore, and any other fun I could scramble up.

In doing some pre-research about Esalen, I learn that this place is kind of a big deal. Its heyday was during the summer of love in the sixties, when the campus was full of naked theologians and psychiatrists mind-effing each other to death. The list of alumni from Esalen is pretty staggering: Abraham Maslow, Fritz Perls, Ansel Adams, BF Skinner, Joseph Campbell and many others. Including, to my disappointment, Alan Watts, who I have a personal issue with. I will dive into that later.

Anyway, the Esalen Institute played a key role in the Human Potential Movement, which takes as its premise the belief that through the development of their "human potential", people can experience a life of happiness, creativity, and fulfillment, and that such people will direct their actions within society toward assisting others to release their potential. Free and innovative thought and new ways of living are revered here, and nakedness is a big part of accessing those ideas. From an anthropologic perspective, the mineral baths date back thousands of years to when Native Americans of the Esselen tribe would gather here and bathe for ceremonial purposes as they sought their own form of enlightenment. From a more modern and psychological perspective, being naked in the baths with others strips away a lot of what we use to protect or categorize or make assumptions. What we are left with is our truest selves in an equally vulnerable space to make authentic human connections and talk about Big Ideas. In his book "Out of the Garbage Pail", Fritz Perls (who lived as a resident philosopher at Esalen in the late 60's) described the masks that we wear every day as different layers of shit. There was

a) Chicken Shit: small talk, exchange of cliches. b) Bullshit: rationalization, explanatories, talk for talk’s sake. c) Elephant Shit: high level discussions on religion, Gestalt Therapy, existential philosophy, etc.

Using this categorical system, the idea at Esalen is that being naked in the springs helps people drop their masks and move more quickly to talking about "elephant shit".

Armed with all of this knowledge, I packed for my day at Esalen and made the 1.5 hour drive south to Big Sur. At the turnoff, I was met by a woman who made sure I knew where to go and had clearance. I told her it was my first time at Esalen and that I was not totally sure what to do or how to conduct myself. She said that the only thing they ever need to tell people when they arrive is this: how you show up makes an impact on others. I loved that. It's so true. In every situation. How someone shows up carries an impact, good or bad. I thought it was something worth remembering and applying more broadly, maybe, this idea to be mindful of how we approach something or someone and noticing impact. I pocketed this thought for later, happy to collect my first Big Idea at Esalen.

Upon entering the grounds, one can't help but be struck by the beauty of the place. I mean how could it not be beautiful-- this oasis carved into the cliffside. On the lawn were people sitting on mats or snuggled with blankets and coffee attending their first session of the day. Down the hill I could just make out the flesh colored figures of people taking an early morning bask in the pools. The roar of the waves was constant and the breeze steady. And with a deep breath and a gentle gaze to the left I see an elderly man doing naked yoga by the pool. He is in Down Dog position with his feet on the mat and his bottom in the air. He lifts a leg to enter Three Legged Dog position, and then flips the dog to be balancing on his arms and one leg so he is now sunny side up. Other people lounged naked next to him, breathing deep ocean breaths. Utterly at peace. Well, I thought. Well.

I reported for duty at the kitchens where a lovely vegan Indian meal was being prepared using fresh vegetables from the garden. I was received warmly and asked immediately what my star sign was. There was a mixed reaction when I said "Gemini". A more enthusiastic reaction when I mentioned I was also a "Cancer Cusp". I was put to work cleaning dishes for all the folks eating lunch between their sessions. It always amazes me how little manual work I need to experience in the service industry to start resenting people. I hate to say that, and I wish I was different-- one of those people who embraces any opportunity to serve others. But I am not that Good, and I immediately identified anyone eating hummus as an enemy. I was more than happy to finish my shift after three hours and head to the pools!

The pools are down a steep hill at the bottom of the property and are literally carved into the cliffside. The open-air building is atrium-like and womb-like and echoes the sounds of the crashing waves in all directions. While I felt a little apprehension when I stripped out of my clothing, it was easier than I thought it would be. When I rounded the corner to the pool area I saw something that I honestly have only seen in movies and would have previously thought was a caricature of this subculture. I saw throngs of naked people squished together in pools and a woman in a long, sheer white gown inviting each person to stand naked before the group so she could slap them with eucalyptus branches while muttering what I can only surmise to be a cleansing chant or spell. I could tell by the way she was waving her arms backwards and speaking forcefully that some level of bad energy was to have been summoned and then expelled. Over and over, people stood naked in front of the group to be cleansed. All except one young woman in a black bikini who looked like she was questioning some of her choices.

I have been to nude beaches all over the world, but I've never participated in anything nudist in America where there is a vibe that just isn't as free. That vibe was not at Esalen though! No one gave anyone a second look or thought and people bathed and conversed unselfconsciously in the warm, sulfuric water. I loved seeing this, and, despite the aggressive eucalyptus ritual, identified this as a Safe Place. I picked a pool that had only a few people in it and settled in to soak. The group was talking about the roots of Esalen and the past resident philosophers. Excellent! I was very down. We spent the afternoon talking about the ending of Mad Men, Aldous Huxley, Gestalt Therapy, various forms of Elephant Shit, and the various publications of people describing their weekends at Esalen-- some of whose authors embraced the experience and many who didn't. I learned that most of the people sitting around me were writers, psychiatrists, and therapists. At some point, the conversation turned to Alan Watts, and my heart sank. One of my pool companions noticed and asked about my shift in energy. Here we go, I thought. To answer that question honestly, I will have to hand these people a really meaty, tasty part of my brain to analyze.

At the height of the pandemic, I decided to date. Having had minimal luck in TN, I decided to experiment by adjusting my expectations or criteria and date someone who was just nice. I hit it out of the park. I found someone (X) who was very nice, but none of the things I usually look for. He was not college educated, he lived at home with his parents, he did not have a job. But he was easy to talk to and liked being outside and... who knows! Try something different, I thought. X loved Alan Watts. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Alan Watts' brand of Elephant Shit is based in Buddhism and uses those ideals as a basis for psychotherapy. I personally find it to be the psychological equivalent of semantic satiation--- when you say the same word so many times it completely loses meaning. Alan Watts preaches mindfulness and being in the moment (a very Buddhist teaching), and from that, zooms out and out and out until you are imagining that your arm is a lamppost and your mouth is tuning fork and nothing actually makes sense since you are so teeny tiny in the universe, and nothing really matters. No need to worry. While I can understand the lure and value of that exercise and perspective, X used these teachings to enable his escape from responsibility. Are you going to try to find a job? Move out of your parents' house? Doesn't matter. Worrying is pointless. What will be will be. What is simply is.

Now. I will go out on a limb here and say that I am a terrible Buddhist. I believe in, like, worrying about some stuff. Yes, I can manipulate myself into being totally at peace in this present moment and imagine that my brain is but a cheerio in a swimming pool full of cheerios. And sometimes that is nice. But honestly, I cannot fathom living my life that way, because when I come out of it I still have to pay rent. You know?

But I was on a mission. Am I capable of dropping the expectations and just seeing this person for his good heart and earnest nature? Can I ignore the fact that he is taking his very first psychology class ever at the age of 35 and that people taking their first psychology class are insufferable? (You know everything now. Don't you.) So I did not dump him. Even though we were arguably on completely different tracks and maybe had completely different values. I didn't dump him when he would turn on an hour-long Watts seminar even though I wanted to. Badly.

In fact, I would like to say I took the high road and my experiment was a huge success because I never dumped him! HE dumped ME over Star Trek. (Note: I will not detail that fight here because it strays too far from my central idea, but I would be happy to detail the stupidest fight of all time later, so you can see how Captain Kirk ends a relationship.) When he came to my house after this fight to settle accounts, so to speak, he held out a book by Alan Watts.

"I want you to have this", he said. "I think it would really help you in your life."

"Oh. I do not want this", I said.

"I really want you to have it. It's what I want to leave you with."

I looked at the book. I looked at him. I took the book, walked out to the curb, and dropped it in the garbage can and returned to my house. Goodbye, X.

"So there you have it," I told the three other people sharing my bathwater. "That is why I hate Alan Watts."

The man across from me regarded me thoughtfully and adjusted his undercarriage. "What level of shit would you say you operated from in that relationship?" he asked.

"Bullshit. Definitely. I was trying to rationalize something that didn't work out of frustration and disappointment. I was being someone I was not. I was judging him and wearing a mask to hide it."

"And what level of shit would you surmise covered that book he gave you?"

"Also bullshit. He wanted to craft the narrative. To say that he left me with something valuable and rationalize our incompatibility from his perspective. It was his version of a last word. Another mask."

"And your response to his book? What level of shit prompted that?"

"Well... bullshit. I was insulted that someone who had nothing together in his life could imagine giving me advice about my life. It was my ego talking."

"Hmmm... so really it was all just bullshit. Another pile of bullshit among many in the cosmic scheme of things."

I thought about what he said, and pictured our relationship... a steaming brown pile getting smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror. So insignificant. Metabolized masks. A speck in the universe. Washed away in the bathwater. Just as Alan Watts intended.